Monday, July 30, 2007

A cheese rant

Disclaimer: This is not in any way a tech-related post.

So, I had a bad supermarket experience a little while ago. I went with a list and things should have gone smoothly. In fact, they did not. At least 11 things went wrong, and I'll share the biggest issue with you.

First let's air Wisconsin's dirty laundry. The cheese in this state sucks. And THEY ARE KNOWN AS THE CHEESE "F*CKING" STATE! Why does the cheese suck? Two reasons.

1. Although most Wisconsiners are strong in their European heritages (German, Irish, Danish, etc.) they seem to have forgotten their ancestors' cheese-making secrets. They are obsessed with making duplicates of their fathers' cheeses, but much like an aging Xerox machine, the copies are all wonky compared to the originals. Havarti, Gouda, Edam, Brie, Irish cheddar, Goat's milk, you name it, Wisconsin's got a sh*tty version of it. They all taste like bland, dirty water.

2. Wisconsiners have, in fact, contributed some originals to the cheese continuum. Two, actually. Limburger, the manufacture of which is banned in most Wisconsin counties. And Brick. Yes, Brick. A tasteless, sticky, mild, odorless and altogether bland cheese that is best compared to Wonder bread. Why did they create such a worthless cheese? No one knows...

So, while shopping today, I decided to stop at that little station near the deli with all the imported cheeses. You know the one. Expensive, but damn tasty. But, to my horror, I found that all of the imports had been replaced by local versions. Wisconsin Havarti. Wisconsin Gouda. And so on. And there were weird flavors like Jalapeno Havarti! WTF?! Are you sh*tting me?! Morons, first try to get the Havarti right, then start experimenting. That means YOU, Dofino! As I looked further, I got another shock. The Brick had spawned!!! Blocks and blocks of it were everywhere! I literally stepped back in horror. Question:

WHO IN ALL OF GOD'S CREATION DECIDED THAT CREATING BRICK CHEESE WAS A GOOD IDEA?! THAT PERSON DESERVES A FATE THAT ONLY THE LONGBOTTOM'S CAN ATTEST TO. THE CRUCIATUS CURSE!!! I WOULD F*CKING DO IT MYSELF IF I HAD A WAND AND MAGIC WAS REAL. I WOULD ALSO ENJOY IT.

Wisconsin has sh*tty cheese. Don't forget that. If you want to try some good copies as well as good originals like Monterey Jack, try California's central coast. Or try Denmark. Just not Wisconsin...
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